Shithead Lexicon

 

What is Shithead?

Shithead is the cold dry breakfast cereal that is orange or green in color, circular in shape and tastes (ever so slightly) of apples. Shithead is sustenance at the Burning Shithead Festival and is consumed in many ways (including fire).

What is the etymology of shithead?

The Shithead Council believes that the use of the term shithead to describe a class of breakfast cereal was first introduced into mass vernacular by an intercollegiate debater for a prominent university in the United States sometime during the late 1980's. An investigation is underway to confirm the origin beyond that critical linguistic inflexion point.

What happens when you burn it?

When shithead burns, it burns brightly and intensely.  It emits interesting colors and sounds.  The ashen sculptures are intriguing.

What else can you do with shithead?

We like to put it in water and watch it shrivel up. You can tell there's a lot of synthetic stuff in it because it doesn't dissolve and get soggy like most normal breakfast cereals. Large clumps of shithead stuck together have been used as doorstops. We use it as fertilizer on our rock garden, and highly recommend using it for temporary nipple-rings.

How long have people burned shithead?

Standard legend has it that shithead has been burned in various forms at least since the Harding Administration. But shithead elders claim that the practice actually goes back centuries, long before the current mass-marketing of shithead by certain unscrupulous cereal conglomerates. While shithead in its current form certainly did not exist, there is some evidence to support the elders' claims. Fragments from Longinus' little-known tract Treatise on the Proper Consumption of Actually Existing Shithead were uncovered by scholars during the Crusades, but these writings disappeared shortly thereafter and may have been suppressed by Church authorities.

Are shithead shortages possible?

While little is known about the market for shithead, individual shortages have made shithead enthusiasts nervous, and some of the market participants listed in this lexicon have not been spotted in years.  The conventional wisdom holds that shithead consolidation risks market monopolization, shithead inflation, and shithead shortages.

We urge people to be responsible in their consumption of shithead.  Do not horde or stockpile shithead, as such trends can destabilize markets.  The Shithead Council is considering a proposal to establish an SSR (Strategic Shithead Reserve) to insulate Americans from their shithead dependencies in the event of shithead shock.

What is the Shithead Council?

The Shithead Council is tasked with the yearly review of shithead related products in the marketplace, and a review of the definition of the class of breakfast cereal described both individually and collectively as shithead. Traditional shithead taxonomy requires a careful scrutiny of innovative additions to, and variations on, the shithead theme. Postmodern shithead exploration has morphed the cereal class so extensively that the lines between shithead related products and shithead with additives require increasing scruting and clarification. Thus, the task of the Shithead Council member is increasingly important. Three Shithead Council members are elected for one year terms at each Burning Shithead Festival. At this year's festival, a new Council will be elected by all Festival attendees who choose to exercise their choice. In a highly secretive process, Shithead Council members collaborate during the year, conducting comparative product reviews, scrutinizing latest developments in shithead and shithead related products, and providing definition and guidance as required on the definition of shithead and shithead related products.

What are some common varieties of shithead?

The Shithead Council currently recognizes both shithead and shithead related products. Shithead commonly conforms to the new modified definition of shithead ("orange or green in color, circular in shape and tastes [ever so slightly] of apples)." It may or may not include additives (such as cinnamon), but the presence of these ingredients is not sufficient enough to be solely distinguished by the palate.

Controversy over the Taxonomy of Shithead and the "Shithead Related Products" compromise

Several types of breakfast cereals have forced careful scrutiny by the Council over time to determine the true definition of shithead as a class of breakfast cereal. The best example of these brands are the apple-cinnamon flavored brands, the core of which the Council holds to be shithead, but which have been relegated to the status of "shithead related product" because of the extent of addition to the core shithead product. These products are often denigrated as bastardizations of shithead by purists. The Shithead Council has worked hard to avoid a schism among the intellectual shithead elite over the taxonomy of shithead, and has sought to recognize and accommodate the interests of shithead post modernity. Forging a shithead compromise through the innovation of the "shithead related product" definition in early 2005, the Shithead Council hopes to spend the second shithead decade building on this foundation of reconciliation.

For Burning Shithead XVII, the Elders did grant a one-time exception to the Shithead Definition to allow Strawberry Flavored Breakfast cereals to be included in the definition of shithead.  The elders made it clear that this one-time grant did not effectively or permanently alter the definition of core shithead.  This made the grant largely honorific in nature, and was done to honor the Strawberry Music Festival  which was cancelled that year due to the Rim Fire in Yosemite, where the Festival is typically held.   The grant worked - people were impressed with the  elders quick response, and dutifully attended Burning Shithead Festival instead.

Shithead Related Products

Shithead related products include 1) products which may give the basic circular appearance and texture of shithead but bear little other resemblance (e.g. Kellogs' Fruit LoopsÔ ) to shithead (referred to in slang vernacular as "son of shithead" and 2) products which are shithead, but which include additives in substantial quantity to be tasted and marketed separately, sufficiently distinguishing the product from "clearly recognizable" shithead. The brands include:

Note: Varieties of shithead related products of which we are aware are listed below, with a common description of the product from their respective manufacturers. Please note that all images, names and product descriptions are property of their respective owners and subject to respective intellectual property protections.

Albertson's Apple Cinnamon Toasted OatsÔ

shithead purity rating: 3

addicitiveness factor: 4

sweetness: 3

These oats have a sharp bite in their sweet cinnamon sprinkles, (what the hell is this stuff)?They are munchable in reasonable quantity because they aren't too sweet.

General Mills' Apple Cinnamon CheeriosÔ

shithead purity rating: 3

addictiveness factor: 4

sweetness: 3

One afficienado described this delicate as similar to the Toasted OatsÔ variety reviewed above, but with a "nutty bouquet." Consumption of this dessert with coffee as pictured in the extravagant desert recipe section is highly recommended due to its unique aftertaste.

Kellogg's Cinna-licious AppleJacksÔ

Available for a "limited time only" according to the box, this product represents Kellogg's foray into the shithead related products market. The Shithead Council is expected to carefully scrutinize this product to determine the true taste and composition differences with Kellogg's shithead product. Discernable discrepancies between these products are expected to help clarify and reinforce the Council's distinction between shithead and shithead related products. Shithead revisionists claim that intense scrutiny of the differences between the product lines will instead force the council to abandon the discrepancy altogether in favor of approach which places increasing emphasis solely on the shithead purity rating as a way of distinguishing between products.

Shithead purity rating: pending review

Addictiveness factor: pending review

Sweetness: pending review

Safeway's apple cinnamon toasted oats cerealÔ

This product has a generic name to match its reasonably generic taste. This product sets itself aside from other shithead related products with only a faint application of cinnamon, leaving one to wonder about the taste differences between this product and Safeway's shithead product, reviewed below. This shithead related product comes as close as any to shithead; it has a very "oaty" taste.

Shithead purity rating: 2

Addictiveness factor: 2

Sweetness: 2

Shithead Products

Kellogg's Apple JacksÔ -

Perhaps the most pervasive form of shithead distribution worldwide, the AppleJacksÔ brand has become a staple on grocery stores in large quantities, ending up in the stomachs of youngsters who noisily demand that their parents load the bowl.

shithead purity rating: 4

addictiveness factor: 3

sweetness: 4

Ralston Food's Apple DapplesÔ

not yet reviewed, but suspected to be more oaty and not sweet enough to achieve pure shithead status.

Apple Oh'sÔ - (not pictured or reviewed)

As recently as May 1999 the Quaker company distributed AppleOh'sÔ in the country of Chile, and the Council believes they have been more recently available in the US. We will find out how the company is or has reconciled this brand with the AppleZapsÔ brand which it does still distribute. The Quaker company does have an "Oh's" brand, including Fruit-Tangy's Oh'sÔ .

Safeway's apple ringsÔ -

This product is not quite sweet enough to be considered core shithead, and it is that factor which contributes to its high addictiveness rating. Coupled with texture, the taste of this product makes it a shithead's shithead.

shithead purity rating: 4

addictiveness factor: 5

sweetness: 3

Quaker's Apple ZapsÔ

shithead purity rating: 5

addictiveness factor: 2

sweetness: 4

This product is definitely core shithead, but it is too dense and too sweet to be addictive. This product becomes a dense and compact orange (no green for this purist cuisine) ring in milk, and will invariably wedge its way into your teeth. On the other hand, it makes an excellent shithead crispy treat if you're looking to maximize carbohydrates per space in a tasty trail hike, Or as a dense desert to be served in small quantities with fine coffee. See the recipe section for more fine enjoyment methods.

WalMart's apple expressÔ -

shithead purity rating: 5

addictiveness factor: 3

sweetness: 3

Similar to Kellogg's AppleJackÔ product, this product even mimics the inclusion of green shithead. However, of noteable difference is the fact that this product contains actual pieces of apple (albeit dehydrated). It is this quality that the Shithead Council has lauded, and which has earned this product its high score on the shithead purity rating.

Malt-O-Meal's Apple ZingsÔ -

shithead purity rating: 4

addictiveness factor: 4

sweetness: 3

Also similar to Kellogg's AppleJackÔ product, this product also mimics the inclusion of green shithead. However, due to its more "oaty" taste, this product has a higher addictiveness factor.

Note: The name, concept, title, and treatment of Shithead, Burning Shithead, and the Burning Shithead Festival are copyrighted material protected by federal copyright laws. Cereal companies may NOT in any way use the concept Shithead when referring to their products. The right to use or refer to the name, concept, title, and treatment of Shithead, Burning Shithead, and the Burning Shithead Festival may be licensed from No Fun Charlie Enterprises.